I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
You Might Also Like
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
#MeanwhileinCanada
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?