me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Dance like you’re not the father
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”