ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
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It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Rather alarming headline…
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.