Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
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Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.