I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
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Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Cat.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”