Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
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it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?