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INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.