me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
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It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
This has made my week.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.