I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
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WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
What a year we’ve had this week.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming