I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
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5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
rise and shine we got egg
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.