My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
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[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.