The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
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Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.