How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
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[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.