If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
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Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.