My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
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when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My typo game is string.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Google assistant rules
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard