wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Trumpy Cat
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Have a lovely day 😊
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
real
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.