*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
You Might Also Like
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds