I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Rooting for the overdog
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?