I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Passed by a old school Math example today.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
grotesque if literal: baby food
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.