I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!