I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.