It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
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Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
🖤✌🏽
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW