I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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Bobby pin
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
As the Lord intended
Tell me you get it…🤣