anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
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Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
i love modern commerce
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Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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