I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
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No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.