I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
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My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
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Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
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I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out