The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
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Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I triple waxed for this?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”