gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle