gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Welcome to the stomach
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.