HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
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I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.