I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
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I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct