[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
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Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
decorating my apartment
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.