Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
White Castle for the Win
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Breaking news:
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy