*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
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There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.