@daemonic3

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

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@SLorenzen62

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

@ericsshadow

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

@AdamOfEarth

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

@JohnnyRiggs9

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

@Home_Halfway

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

@AnOrangeSNES

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

@Fred_Delicious

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks