I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Cat is stressing him out.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.