*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
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Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Oops I deleted….
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
You make a compelling argument, Morty.