Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
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“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.