*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
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1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂