Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
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The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot