I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
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the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent