I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
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Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Good advice.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president