I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
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You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine