Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
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LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*