Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
You Might Also Like
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
O Wise One….
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.