“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
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I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.