HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
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Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.