It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

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I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.


Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.


If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.


Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.


My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.


Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?