@WilliamAder

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

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@brakco

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

@NikiWithIssues

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

@DamienFahey

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

@1Happytwit

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

@IQuitWriting

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?