the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
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Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
A friend sent me this.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.