Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
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ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
me refusing to leave twitter
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Life with a cat in one tweet
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend