Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
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You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
So that’s what we looked like?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Genius idea!!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?