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I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.