Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
You Might Also Like
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Florida be like…
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*