devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
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Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Important reminders
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
“We will wed,” I threatened
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
If you want my opinion ask my wife