[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
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*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.