Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
You Might Also Like
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God